The prestigious, #1-ranked university in Boston, Massachusetts has recently made a very bold choice. This Friday, MIT released admission statistics revealing that 62,719 applicants applied to the class of 2064 – and none were accepted. MIT also reportedly expelled 2508 undergraduates, citing that "4% of 62,719 is 2508.76, but we wanted to be nice, so we didn't round up".
One of the undergraduates expelled from MIT shrugged when he heard the news. "Well, I had a good run, I guess. Man, I remember when college acceptance rates used to be positive two-digit integers. Those were the days." When asked about his plans for the future, he yelled at our interviewer: "I'M GOING TO APPLY TO THE TOP 100 COLLEGES SO I CAN HELP EXPEL SOMEONE ELSE!!" and then stormed off.
He was, of course, referring to other top colleges like Yale, Columbia, Harvard, and Stanford, which have introduced negative acceptance rates this year. Columbia has a -1% acceptance rate this year, meaning that every 100 application submissions will result in the expulsion of one current undergraduate.
Students applying to college this year certainly have a tough job ahead of them! Here's a few tips compiled by our editors:
Tip #1: Spend a lot of time on your main essay
To accommodate the large number of applicants, your main Common App essay must be 280 characters or less. This means that you need to express your personality, tell a compelling story, showcase your intelligence, be hilarious, and distinguish yourself from the other applicants in the length of a tweet.
Tip #2: Don’t get any B+s
College admissions officers are legally required to throw a student’s application in the trash if the student’s transcript contains even a single B+. If you aren’t sure that you’ll get an A or A+ in a class, try your hardest to be mediocre and aim for a C+ or B-. Don’t risk your college career on one course!
Tip #3: Apply to a ton of colleges
“Safety” colleges no longer exist like they did in the 20s. Every single college in the USA now has a sub-10% acceptance rate. To increase your chances of being accepted to at least one college, you should apply to at least 50 colleges (but preferably 100).
Tip #4: Play in the CGames
Sometime in the 40s, CollegeBoard was divinely inspired by ancient literature known as the “Hunger Games”. And a few years (and copyright lawsuits) later, the inaugural CGames was held in 2050. Every year since then, one hundred contestants compete to the death in a NYC arena, and the last surviving 10 contestants receive entry to the Ivy League of their choice. Students can gain "sponsors" by correctly answering SAT questions.
Not satire: I wrote this satirical article because I am in the midst of college applications, and it's a ton of work. Plus, admissions are so competitive these days. The acceptance rate for MIT this year was about 4%, while back in the 90s (when my parents applied), it was 30%. Isn't that ridiculous?