For each of the following questions, answer YES / NO. If you answer YES to a question, give yourself 1 point. If you answer NO to a question, give yourself 0 points.
- Do you use downright idiotic phrases or hooks like “10x your productivity”? Phrases like “supercharge your productivity” and “improve your productivity” are okay, but “10x your productivity” implies that your readers can get their work done in 1 hour per day.
- Do you have a beehiiv.com newsletter? (This is the new “hot” newsletter platform – apparently, no one uses Substack anymore.)
- Do you mention the word “value” at least 3x / week?
- Do you promote your newsletter in basically every single tweet / thread you post? (If someone sees the newsletter 69 times, they’re legally obligated to subscribe.)
- Do you leave whitespace between every single sentence you type? (Paragraphs are so old-school, right?!)
- Do you write threads on ChatGPT?
- Do you randomly post one-liner tweets that could be mass-generated by ChatGPT and that provide no actual “value” to your followers?
- Do you hate Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
8 points: You are very similar to HAL 9000, except you’re less intelligent and more sadistic. You also hate Cinnamon Toast Crunch, which is indicative of larger life problems.
5-7 points: You should get better hobbies. You have better things to do with your life.
3-4 points: You should probably spend less time on Twitter, but you’re doing alright.
0-2 points: You are a certifiably original human being. Congratulations!
Not satire: I’m sick of unoriginal content (especially productivity content) flooding Twitter and the internet. I try my best to be original, witty, and helpful on this blog – so if you want to support me, please demolish the Subscribe button in the bottom right corner. Thanks.
Disclaimer: Please note that the content contained in this satirical article is purely the opinion and view of the writer, and doesn’t necessarily represent the opinion or view of any other person or organization.